


No Holding Back

by cadkitten



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alien Sex, Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety, Dry Humping, Hand Jobs, M/M, Pillow Fucking, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-27
Updated: 2013-05-27
Packaged: 2017-12-13 03:12:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/819297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk has feelings he can’t seem to shove away. But he’s honesty afraid of how Spock would react to his emotions given the other’s Vulcan nature.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Holding Back

**Author's Note:**

  * For [violet_midnight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/violet_midnight/gifts).



> Spoilers for Star Trek Into Darkness (do NOT read if you haven’t watched the movie, it’ll ruin basically everything).  
> Beta Readers: hightranceplay (selected edits from sundayrain26)  
> Song[s]: "Vanitas" by Dir en grey

Maybe it really was forbidden, but in all honesty, Kirk couldn’t bring himself to care. His feelings for the other man had been growing by leaps and bounds as of late, though he was hardly willing to admit it to the Vulcan. After all... what could he actually say? _Hey, Spock, just so you know, I think I’m falling for you._ That wouldn’t exactly go over so well; of that he was certain.

And so, with much difficulty, he managed to push his feelings down inside himself, to squelch everything deep within and not touch them. For months it seemed to work just fine, even as he and Spock worked side-by-side, he as Captain and Spock as First Officer. It seemed that no one else could tell what was going on inside of Kirk’s head and of that... he was eternally grateful. For the longest time nothing cropped back up. All he was left with was the dull ache of longing when he lay in his bed at night, the caress of lust when he came into too close of contact with the other man. But it was nothing he couldn’t deal with... nothing he hadn’t dealt with before. In time, he was sure that it would pass and he’d find himself only longing for the other man’s companionship in the friendly sort of manner once again.

Even as he climbed into the lift, letting it shut behind him and Spock, he could feel those emotions trying to crop up once again. The confined space, the smell of the other man’s aftershave. A shudder ran through him that had nothing to do with the cool air pushing in from above them and everything to do with how quickly the other man was turning him on. 

He closed his eyes and pressed one hand to the side of the lift, bowing his head. He couldn’t do this... not now, not ever. First and foremost, it was against all of Starfleet’s regulations. Secondly, he honestly couldn’t think of a worse thing to try to bring up to a Vulcan. In all seriousness, there was no way the other would see his lust for him as anything but illogical. They’d had a great many talks over the time they’d known one another and though they’d avoided the one major topic of how Spock felt about same-sex couples, he was certain that since Spock viewed intercourse as a reproductive sort of thing only, that there was no way he’d see Kirk lusting after him as anything else but his stupid Humanity getting in the way.

“Captain?” came Spock’s voice, “Are you feeling alright?”

Kirk lifted his head, glancing at the other man, giving him a little half-smile. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Are you certain? Perhaps you should visit medical bay.”

For a moment, Kirk almost thought he heard concern in Spock’s voice. But then... if it was there, it was likely the result of his fear for the mission if the Captain got sick along the way. But what would he tell Bones? That he had damn near gotten a raging hard-on in front of Spock and that the other had no idea what sexual functions were? He shook his head. “Trust me, Spock, this is not a medical bay sort of thing.”

The lift doors opened and Kirk pushed himself away from the wall, making his way onto the bridge and to his chair. He settled down on the seat and crossed one leg over the other, quickly picking up a tablet from beside him and placing it in his lap, pretending to flick through it for a moment. As soon as the rest of his crew was aboard, he double-checked the roster to ensure all members had been properly assigned. Once he was certain everyone was aboard, he lifted his head and gave the command to get them on their way.

The rest of the shift on the bridge seemed to somehow sail past. They found themselves in high-orbit around a Federation planet, some of the crew down on the surface taking samples from the atmosphere and soil. It was just a routine mission, to collect samples from several of the developing planets in the region and see if they could manage to preserve any of them without interfering enough to be detected.

Kirk finally excused himself to his quarters, telling the bridge to patch through any important communication from the away team. Stumbling to his bed, he fell down on the soft sheets and curled up on his side, pulling his spare pillow into his arms and tucking his face down against it. It was sort of a remnant from his childhood, the easiest way for him to fall asleep when he needed to do it quickly. Taking in a deep breath, he closed his eyes, and clutched the pillow tightly.

_Spock placed his hand upon the glass as a myriad of emotions played over his face. Kirk watched him, the pain inside of him almost consuming his ability to think, to breath... to live. He knew it wouldn’t be long before he died. The radiation was going to kill him no matter what they did. There just wasn’t a way to heal him from this, that’s all there was to it._

_He gave a weak cough, his head lolling back as he watched his First Officer’s face contort in something he could only call anguish. He understood it, then... and he felt it. It was perhaps more of a display than he’d given to the destruction of his own planet. Bringing his own hand up to the glass, he placed it against the pane, imagined he could feel Spock’s warmth through the glass. Even as the tears streaked down Spock’s face, Kirk knew he could never burden the other with the truth of the matter._ Friends. _Spock had called them friends. And perhaps that was something more than Spock had ever felt toward someone in his entire life. His fingers moved to mirror the Vulcan’s own as he closed his eyes. He drew in his last few breaths and opened his eyes one last time, to look upon the face of the man he loved._

Kirk jerked out of the dream with a gasp, his hand clawing at the wall. Sweat poured from his body and when he brought his hand up to his face, he could feel the hot tears dampening his skin. It wasn’t the first time this had happened since he’d lost his life and been brought back. But it was certainly never pleasant. He hadn’t done anything about it any of the other dozen times, but this time he felt like he was being crushed. His heart hurt, the world was spinning before his eyes, and he felt almost frozen to the bed except his arms. He reached up and touched the communication panel on the wall, barely managing, “Dr. McCoy.”

“Yes, Captain?” The response was almost immediate and for that, Kirk was relieved. 

“Something’s wrong... my quarters. Now.” He could hear the shuffle of things being yanked away from surfaces and feet scuffing across the floor. There was no verbal reply, but he knew he’d probably just managed to freak poor Bones out real well since all he ever did was turn down medical care.

It was only a minute or so later that the door to his quarters opened, the medical override used, and a moment later, the clatter of whatever Bones had brought with him hit the floor. He lay there, unable to roll himself over, his heart radiating agonizing pain and his head filled with a dull roar that had replaced the dizzy feeling from before. He managed to spit out, “Heart hurts, dizzy, roaring in my ears... can’t move.”

Bones gently rolled him onto his back and pried the pillow away from him, examining him with his medical tricorder already. “Did something upset you?” he asked quietly, his hand resting lightly on the Captain’s arm.

After a few seconds of debating, Kirk finally responded. “Dreamed of when I died again...”

“Again?”

He huffed out a sigh. “Yes. Again.”

“Does this usually happen afterward?” The sound of Bones’ voice was soothing, his bedside manner for once impeccable. 

“Not this bad.” Kirk closed his eyes and tried to focus on getting his heart to calm down, but he just couldn’t. It felt like something heavy was sitting on him, preventing it from working properly. “Bones, just help me!”

Cool metal caressed his neck and the hiss of an injection sounded in the room. A few seconds slipped past and then everything began to ease. The roar died away and the pressure on his chest eased up ever so slowly. The downside was he felt incredibly tired and his muscles felt like jelly. “What’s...” he couldn’t even find the words for what he wanted to ask, his voice just trailing off.

“Anxiety... you’ve been having panic attacks, Jim.” Bones gave him a serious look. “Maybe you should look into speaking with our counselor, seeing if you can sort out what’s going on to cause it. What remnants of the moment are hurting you the most and why.”

Kirk shook his head, closing his eyes. “I already know what they are, Bones. And I can’t solve them, trust me.”

Bones sighed as he stood up, the clatter of something on Kirk’s table alerting the Captain that the doctor was leaving something. “If it happens again, it’s right here by your head. One injection, no more. And you’ll have to lie around for at least twenty minutes afterward for the side effects to wear off. But, I’m serious here, Jim... I know it’s been extraordinarily traumatizing to you... people don’t just die and come back to life... but you need to deal with this. We can’t have the Captain doing this all the time. And if you don’t solve it, I’ll be medically obligated to turn it in to the counsel.” 

Kirk nodded, curling back up on his side and pulling his pillow back into his grasp. “Yeah... fine... I’ll do my best.”

“No, you’ll do what it takes.” Bones closed his case with a snap and stood up. “I’ll find an excuse this time around for you, but next time, I will not.”

“I get it. Can... can you just leave?” Kirk knew he sounded harsh, but he needed time to think things through... time to get himself back on the proper track with his emotions and everything else. The door to his quarters opened and then slid closed again and he closed his eyes. The moment he was alone, his emotions welled back up full-force on him. And for the first time since it’d all happened, he allowed himself to cry while he was awake. Pushing his face into his pillow, he let out a sob, the tears burning like hellfire as they welled up in his eyes and slid down his cheeks to wet the soft fabric he was pressed against.

For nearly fifteen minutes, all he could do was cry, his mind adrift in the sea of the emotional release. The ache inside him eased somewhat and when he finally felt drained of it, he pushed himself up off the bed, determined he’d never tell anyone what he’d just done. Stripping off, he made his way into the shower and selected the actual water-based option from the panel, bracing both hands on the wall as it poured down over his head, running across his face, and cascading down his body.

He emerged from the shower almost twenty minutes later, a new and refreshed man. Almost all evidence of his first crying jag in nearly a year erased from his body. He moved to the cabinet over his sink and removed some eye drops, putting them in and blinking a few times, wiping his eyes with the corner of the towel. When he looked again, even the redness of his eyes was gone, leaving behind only the memory of what had transpired.

Quickly, he dried himself off, styled his hair, and applied his cologne. Stepping into his chamber, he picked up a new uniform and placed his com-badge on it, smoothing everything out and taking a deep breath. He took one step toward the door and someone touched the panel outside his door, asking for entry. He moved to the door, opening it. A moment later he was greeted with the sight of Spock on the other side. The other studied him and then gestured slightly toward the inside of his room. “Permission to speak freely, Captain?”

Kirk took a step back and granted the other man entrance to his room. Once the door slid shut, he offered, “Granted.”

Spock flicked his eyes up to Kirk’s own and straightened his shoulders. “You’ve been hiding something from me. Every time we interact it’s becoming more and more obvious.” He paused, as though uncertain how to continue. “The Human part of me speculates, but the Vulcan part of me knows there’s something we need to discuss, though I admit I’m not certain what it is.”

For Spock to admit he had no idea what it was, Kirk knew it had to be driving the other man absolutely mad. He gestured to his table and then made his way over to settle down in one of the two chairs. “Look... there is something I’ve been hiding from you, that’s true. But,” he shook his head and huffed out a tiny laugh, “there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it and thus no reason for you to worry.”

He shifted slightly and crossed his legs, one over the other. “Just know it’s something I have no... logical reason... to tell you.”

Spock took the seat across from him, but he never once stopped looking at him, studying Kirk the entire time. “That’s a lie.”

“Excuse me?”

“You say you have no logical reason to tell me... and yet, you just had to call Bones up to your quarters and when I asked him what was going on, he tells me you’ve been having anxiety attacks due to your death-experience. If _anyone_ is actually involved in that, it’s me. And yet... you have no logical reason to tell me?” Much to Kirk’s surprise, Spock actually looked angry with him, some of that rare emotion shining through in the moment.

“Remind me to have a talk with Bones about patient privacy.” Kirk sighed, his face suddenly displaying every ounce of his weariness. “It’s happened quite a few times now. I fall asleep and I dream about it... about those final moments.” He did his best to look Spock right in the eyes, and before he could stop it, “Join with me... I... it’s too much to explain outright. Feel it with me, Spock.”

The Vulcan gave him a slightly stunned look, but after a moment, he stood up and came to kneel between Kirk’s feet, one arm braced on the arm of the chair. He reached up and placed his fingers on Kirk’s face at all the proper points and then closed his eyes.

Kirk closed his own and he dredged up the dream again, his fingers clutching the sides of the chair harshly as his mind began to reel through it. The images zipped past as though in super fast-forward. He huffed out a breath and then let out a surprised sound as the dream surged forward beyond what it normally did. It continued into the zone it had once before; him waking up after he’d been dead, the few minutes between his examination and being allowed to be seen by anyone, and Spock entering the room. And that was where reality diverged from dream, Kirk surging up off the exam table and pushing Spock against the wall, body plastering against the Vulcan’s as their lips closed over one another, the kiss full of all of his passion and hunger for the other man.

Panic filled Kirk to the very brim, knowing how very far that dream happened to go, and he reached up, finally wrenching Spock’s fingers from his face, staring at him in complete shock. He’d meant to show him he loved him, but not that he wanted so desperately to fuck him that he’d do damn near anything to make it happen. His mouth opened and then closed again, a little whimper escaping his lips, and then he looked away. “You... weren’t supposed to see the last part,” he offered quietly.

Spock was staring up at him, his expression soft, but unreadable. His hand had moved from the chair to Kirk’s thigh, just resting there ever so gently. “This is what causes you anxiety?”

“Yes.” There really was no other way to put it, no other way to explain it.

“You wish to find union with me?” Spock sounded very matter-of-fact about it, and somehow that just turned Kirk on even more as he shifted around in his chair.

“I’m in love with you... and yes, I want to fuck you,” Kirk offered in reply. “Just call it like it is, Spock.”

The Vulcan, for once, looked almost amused before he stood up and moved back to the door, engaging the master override that kept anyone from coming in except in the event of an emergency. Coming back to Kirk, he held out his hand.

Kirk stared between the offered hand and the Vulcan’s face. After a minute, he simply threw all of his questions and all of his cautions aside, taking Spock’s offered hand and rising from his chair.

Spock led them to the bed where he pushed Kirk down onto it and rolled him onto his side. He curled himself up against the other man’s back, one strong arm slipping around his midsection. The other slid down Kirk’s side, over his hip, and then dipped down to rub over the bulge in his pants.

Instantly, Kirk let out a gasp, his hips pushing forward into the offered hand. “Spock,” he breathed out, his pulse racing, arousal burning through him like fire spreading across oil. His own hands fumbled, pulling his pants open and then shifting them down enough to give the other access to whatever he wanted. “Please,” he begged, wondering if somehow he’d fallen asleep again and this was his reward.

But the moment the other’s warm hand closed around his cock, he knew it wasn’t a dream at all. “Oh god,” he breathed out, his hand coming to clutch at Spock’s wrist. His hips arched forward and strained there, as though it would somehow help him.

Spock began to move his hand, lightly stroking over the hardening length of the other’s cock. His lips pressed lightly behind Kirk’s ear, and for the first time in his life, Kirk heard Spock chuckle.

“What?” he gasped out.

“You... like this, you’re so different.” He flicked his tongue over the spot he’d been kissing at a moment before. “You’re letting yourself go around me finally, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Kirk breathed out, his hand tightening on the other’s wrist for a moment and then loosening as Spock began moving his hand once more. “Don’t stop.” His hips thrust forward a few more times before he settled again. 

“Is this really all you want from this?” Spock squeezed his cock and then jerked him off hard and fast for a minute, earning himself a loud groan as the Captain humped up against his hand in quick opposition to the motions he was making. “Or do you want to _fuck_ , Captain?”

“Oh Spock!” Kirk hissed out from between gritted teeth. “I want... _to fuck_!” In the next instant, Kirk found himself pressed slightly more against the mattress. The sound of Spock’s zipper being lowered gave him a fresh surge of lust, his hand going down to grasp his own cock, jerking it almost frantically for a moment, panting into his pillow as he did it.

“How long have you wanted this, Jim?” Spock’s breath caressed his ear as he leaned in, his tongue lightly licking up the shell of the Captain’s ear.

“How long have I known you?” Kirk returned, arching back toward Spock as the other’s hand smoothed over his backside.

Spock pressed his mouth to the Captain’s ear and hissed out, “I’ll find you when I need to mate... and I’ll rut you into the bed. How about that Captain?” Two fingers thrust into the other’s passage, slick with the lubricant he'd found beneath the captain's pillow, and Kirk cried out, attempting to buck back toward him as the fingers began to thrust in and out of his passage. “Talk to me, Jim... tell me if you’d want me then.”

“I would! I’d take it all for you, Spock.” He clutched at the pillow with both hands, having given up on jerking off for the moment. His cock was swollen, aching between his legs, and he wanted nothing more than to be filled by the other in that moment. “Just do it,” he hissed out finally. “I fucking need your cock inside me. Right now, Spock. Now!”

“Demanding... as always.” The fingers slid out of him and a moment later, Spock’s body pressed against him from behind once again. He arched back toward him as the Vulcan guided his cock into Kirk’s tight passage. A pleasured grunt passed Spock’s lips as he fully seated himself inside the other’s body. Even as he began to move, he kept up the little grunting sounds, his cock thrusting in and out of the Captain’s body.

Kirk pulled the pillow down between his thighs, folding it so that it enclosed his cock in the soft warmth. Holding it with one hand, he pushed himself up with the other arm, and he began to thrust. His cock slid into the folds of the pillow as Spock’s length slid out of him, and as he pulled back from the pillow, he sank himself onto his First Officer’s dick. “Yes,” he gritted out, “fucking _hell_ yes!”

Spock moved behind him, finding a position that gave him the leverage he wanted for what he was doing. After a minute, he grasped both Kirk and the pillow, moving him so that he was nearly on his stomach, his hand holding the pillow in place. He moved closer then, one leg slipping up close to the other’s body, the other propping up for leverage as he began to thrust, this time jarring Kirk entirely as he fucked him. The bed protested beneath them, but it was well worth it, Kirk’s cock sliding into the hole the pillow created with each forward thrust, Spock burying himself deep inside him. And each time they pulled back, it was with anticipation of the next thrust.

Kirk clawed at the bedsheets beneath him and then finally let out a cry, completely losing the pacing they’d set up, just thrusting hard and fast, his cock burying itself in the pillow in front of him, Spock’s length filling his ass in all the right ways as he bucked between them. He pushed himself up a little bit, straining toward his orgasm, loud desperate sounds slipping free as he fucked. With what was nearly a growl, he began to cum, spurting into the pillow-hole as he spasmed around Spock’s length. “Spock!”

“Jim,” Spock breathed out against his ear, grabbing his hips harshly and slamming into him over and over, panting behind him as he raced toward his own end. With one last powerful snap of his hips, he groaned as he sank deep inside Kirk’s body, his cock twitching as he filled him with his load. “Ah,” he groaned as the last traces of his orgasm faded down. His hips thrust forward a few more times and then stilled, a few more spurts of cum filling Kirk’s passageway. “How much do you want?” he breathed out, “There’s more....”

Kirk pushed back against him. “Fill me,” he breathed out, trembling from the effort of staying upright.

Spock reached down, pulling the pillow away and then eased Kirk facedown onto the bed, moving to straddle his thighs, his cock still buried deep inside him. Reaching above him, he held onto the wall as he thrust forward quickly, his hips snapping as he let out something close to a growl. An instant later, his body shaking, he stopped thrusting as he gave Kirk even more of his cum. “One more,” he gasped out, “yes... yes... one more.” Lying himself on top of the other man, he ground his hips against Kirk’s ass, giving short little thrusts every few moments, letting it build up. “Tell me you want it.”

“I want it, Spock,” Kirk breathed out, “one more time, give it to me.”

The words seemed to be his undoing. Even as Kirk spoke, Spock began to fuck hard against him again, his cock almost fully leaving and then penetrating again and again. “Yes... yes... YES!” He slammed in again and then pulled out completely, sliding up Kirk’s asscrack as he released this time, leaving his offering between them as he continued to thrust there instead.

Warmth dribbled down Kirk’s ass and he groaned, flexing his muscles enough to push more of Spock’s cum from his passage, feeling it slide down over his balls. It was a feeling he’d been craving for a very long time and even as he flexed again, his body lost control a second time. Squeezing tight to keep what was left inside, he rutted wildly against the bed, his aching length pressed between him and the mattress. “So... close...” he gritted out.

Spock slid his hand down between them, grasping his length and letting Kirk fuck his hand in those last few, wild moments. And then he was cumming, spurting over Spock’s fingers that were wrapped so tightly around his throbbing dick. He couldn’t even form any intelligent words this time, just jerking his hips hard with each spurt, making the most wanton sounds he’d ever heard leave his own mouth before. And in that very moment, he understood... he’d been denying the truth for far too long... compensating his entire life for this moment.

Sliding his hand down to cover Spock’s own, he closed his eyes and asked for the only thing he could possibly think to ask for in that moment. “Stay with me.” Before Spock could even answer, Kirk knew... he simply _knew_ the other would never leave his side if he could prevent it.

**The End**


End file.
